Kellsie Mango Marketing

When you’re a woman in your 20s, dating starts to feel like a rigged game you’re trying to outsmart. Endless first dates, dating apps, and well-meaning friends setting you up because maybe this time will work out. Meanwhile, you're exhausted from attracting inconsistent and immature partners who make dating an emotional checklist. Throw in having an anxious attachment style, and you're in it for the long haul.

I see you making the pros and cons list on whether you should stay or leave.

And when you manage to convince yourself that everyone goes through rough patches in dating, Instagram reminds you of your dear friends getting married. After a few years in the dating scene, the pattern of ghosting, gaslighting, and games becomes hard to ignore—the unholy trinity of modern dating, if you will.

The challenges in pursuing a stable relationship aren't fully based on who you date, but why you are attracted to the same type of people. As attachment theorist John Bowlby notes, “Most people choose partners who fit with their attachment expectations, not necessarily with their conscious ideals.” We can trace the way we attract relationships and who we choose to pursue back to our earliest experiences with emotional connection—the bond we formed with our parents or caregivers.

Psychological research shows that the attitudes and beliefs formed in early childhood are patterns formed between a child and their parents. These early attachments continue to shape how we attach to partners in romantic relationships and can be explained by attachment theory. It boils down to four main types:

• Secure: Comfortable with closeness and can trust both in themselves and others
• Anxious: Constantly vigilant of rejection and craves reassurance
• Avoidant: Distrusts others and feels uncomfortable with intimacy
• Disorganized: Desires closeness, but fears it when relationships progress

These early attachments teach us what to expect from others—whether love feels safe, unpredictable, or out of reach. As we create our own lives and ideals, we often repeat those same dynamics in romantic relationships because familiarity is safer than the unknown, even when familiarity causes us pain.

The cycle

As we get older, societal pressures start to shape our attachment patterns and push our attitudes and beliefs. Society teaches us to value hyperindependence and instant solutions, micro-lessons that cement the habits we formed in childhood. For people with avoidant or disorganized attachment, this can mean reinforcing emotional self-reliance and distance. For those with anxious attachment, this can trigger their need for quick fixes and reassurance.

Take the rise of online dating, for example. Each swipe works as a psychological slot machine of validation and avoidance. And even though dating is more accessible now, recent surveys have shown that there are more single men and women than ever before. For someone with an anxious attachment style, the endless options can feel addictive, creating a push and pull of reward with aftereffects of anxiety. Many experience “the thrill of matches, social approval, fear of rejection, and endless alternatives” (Liebert, 2019). While the effects of online dating can increase anxious attachment tendencies, dating apps provide low-stakes alternatives for those looking to ease back into dating. If dating apps are used as a tool rather than as the sole means of finding a partner, they can also promote feelings of hope and commitment.

The type of attachment isn’t the only factor to consider when finding the root problem in modern dating. A few variables that play into the overall dating experience can be age, gender, or archetypes, which can play a significant role and reinforce other ideologies when navigating the dating scene. Pew Research suggests “Millennials and Gen Z increasingly prioritize autonomy, financial independence, and emotional safety, which can delay marriage or relationships.” Over the past three decades, singleness has been on the rise, and many are taking the self-preservation route, making them less likely to be in committed relationships.

When looking at attachment theory, we can see the direct links as to why an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized person would approach dating differently. In adult relationships, it isn't your present self reacting with fear or unease—it’s the younger version of you. It's a child who felt unsafe or unseen. We can see the effects of attachment style through recent surveys showing that, on average, 56% of women struggle to find partners who meet their standards when in a committed relationship.

This pattern of feeling unsafe in relationships can prompt you to experience the same dating cycle. Living the same stories, crying the same tears, never truly moving forward.

Remedies

Beginning to heal anxious attachment starts by showing up for yourself, but that can look different from person to person. This can be accomplished by adding a habit in physical, mental, social, and spiritual wellbeing within the practice of somatic healing. Adding in somatic, mindful practices can begin to move your body from fight-or-flight to rest and digest. Regulating your nervous system is the overarching goal to feeling secure in yourself and your relationships with others. A dysregulated nervous system is the result of the trauma you've experienced, and with that, it leaves emotional imprints. Meaning, if your current experiences have even a small attribute of the trauma you've experienced, your body will go into emotional overdrive. Trauma researcher and bestselling author of The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, addressed this when he wrote: “Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory.” Your nervous system's number one job is to keep you safe, so it adapts to your surroundings to seek safety. Survival instincts kick in and can lead to overreacting or withdrawing, regardless of whether you're emotionally or physically safe. Your body will protect you at all costs, and it's why you experience fight or flight. When you experience fight or flight, it's your body trying to regulate itself by using survival tactics. And it has protected you 100% of the time.

Honor Your Boundaries

A common pattern among people with anxious attachment is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own, sometimes at the expense of their autonomy. Boundaries are often misunderstood as walls that keep people out, when in reality, they help us build healthier relationships while staying connected to ourselves. Every time you honor a boundary or follow through on a commitment to yourself, you reinforce the habit of trusting yourself. Over time, repeated behaviors can strengthen the neural pathways involved in those habits, making it easier to continue showing up for yourself. Accountability matters, but it doesn’t mean punishing yourself when you fall short. Getting caught in a cycle of shame, blame, and guilt can make it harder to move forward. Instead, practice taking responsibility for your choices with compassion and a willingness to learn. The goal isn’t to blame yourself or others, but to recognize where you have a choice and begin making decisions that support your well-being. Ultimately, it comes back to learning to listen to your body, recognizing what feels safe and right for you, and giving yourself permission to honor those needs.

Prioritize Safe and Consistent Relationships

One of the most meaningful ways to support a more regulated nervous system is through repeated experiences of safety. This can happen through healthy relationships, predictable routines, and moments when you feel supported rather than on edge. Once you’ve done the inner work, it’s time to put what you’ve learned into practice. Give yourself the opportunity to experience what it feels like to be in relationships where consistency, respect, and emotional safety are present. We can’t control how others react or what they say, but we can choose the relationships we invest in and the habits we build around our well-being. Over time, these experiences can help you develop a greater sense of trust in yourself and in the people you allow into your life. You deserve relationships that bring a sense of stability and peace, and learning to choose them is a worthwhile endeavor.

Beginning to heal anxious attachment starts with showing up for yourself. It means learning to become aware of your feelings and honor your emotions. Your body is seeking safety, and the best way to receive it is to avoid relying on others to emotionally stabilize you. Through emotional regulation techniques like grounding, one can soothe the body out of fight-or-flight. Next, practicing self-compassion increases gray matter in the brain by strengthening the brain regions in charge of emotional regulation and empathy, allowing your mind to begin the healing process and continue to rewire your thought patterns.

Healing anxious attachment is showing the younger version of yourself that love that can’t show up for you has nothing to do with you. By anchoring your feelings in yourself, you are creating your own safe place. It’s important to know that attachment styles aren’t permanent, but they show us how we can show up for ourselves. And remember, healing isn’t linear. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself.

DANA POINT, California (September 1st, 2025)—The Ohana Festival will return to Doheny State Beach from September 26th to 28th with performances by renowned artists and a speaker series by coastal leaders and activists. The music festival is coming up on its ninth annual year of creating a family-friendly space for music lovers who support seaside conservation efforts.

The line-up includes Eddie Vedder, Kings of Leon, Hozier, and 35 more well-known artists over the course of three days. This year welcomes a diverse set of genres spanning from rock to blues, making it an ideal spot for all music fanatics. As always, the Ohana festival is adding a fresh twist on standard music festivals—a separate stage named “The Cove” will offer a speaker series where attendees can hear from a variety of activists and participate in immersive workshops.

Eddie Vedder has emphasized that the festival has always served as a conduit “for a greater purpose,” bringing together leaders and advocates whose work reflects a shared commitment to protecting the natural world. From ocean activists and surfers to Indigenous voices, the festival has created space for people to raise awareness about the issues affecting their communities and the environments they depend on. The festival will have a variety of storytellers on stage and in the Cove sharing their experiences with the community.

Mike Long, head of the Cove program, says, “It's a global alliance of change makers who started by sharing their story and their mission to make an impact.”

“Ohana means family—and that’s exactly the feeling we want this festival to have,” said founder Eddie Vedder. “It’s about good music, good people, and taking care of the place we all share.”

The Ohana Festival runs through the weekend, September 26–28, 2025, at Doheny State Beach in Dana Point. Tickets and more lineup information are available at www.ohanafest.com, with proceeds going to local non-profits.

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Founded in 2016 by Eddie Vedder, the Ohana Festival is now one of the most popular music festivals across America. The mission is rooted in the concept of "Ohana," which means family in Hawaiian. The name reflects Vedder's goal of creating a sense of belonging, shared responsibility, and collective care. Notably, winning the 2025 Pollstar Music Festival of the Year award in the Global: Under 30K Attendance category. Hosted at Doheny State Beach in Dana Point, California, the festival aims to give guests the same sense of belonging Vedder found within the surf community. Visit ohanafest.com for merchandise options and updates on pre-sale tickets for the 2026 lineup.

Hi Monika,

The dedication you have to covering technological advances that combat environmental challenges is commendable in today's world. Notably, your articles on utilizing neuromorphic sensors for wildfire prevention. With a continuous decrease in government funding, innovative ideas are crucial to combating wildfires.

If you find the need to look for innovative and cost-efficient methods, a recently established intermediate burn model may fit what you're looking for. The model aims to analyze the chemistry of plant fuels to predict how fast wildfires will spread. Lead researcher, Dr. Thomas Fletcher offers both actionable and affordable insights for reducing the damage wildfires can cause. Once a fire starts, it can be unpredictable and move quickly, so anticipating where the fire will move next and at what speed can be immensely helpful to first responders. This model aims to improve wildfire simulation accuracy from multi-day runtimes to under 30 minutes, offering crucial support in active fire contexts.

If you're interested in a media interview, I'd be more than happy to coordinate a meeting with Dr. Fletcher and the team in Utah County. I can also arrange a comprehensive overview of the data, including a live demonstration of the model.

Sincerely,
Kellsie Goyzueta

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Try New Things

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